


Until Today

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: One Shot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-17
Updated: 2007-03-17
Packaged: 2019-01-19 14:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12411690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Love shouldn’t hurt. It shouldn’t make you feel like you’re nothing. It shouldn’t rip your heart apart again and again. It shouldn’t make you say things you don’t want to and make you do things you don’t want to. It shouldn’t make you think every morning when you get up about why you should get out of bed. You shouldn’t ...





	Until Today

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

“I love you.”� 

Oh, bugger. 

I wasn’t actually supposed to say that. It was supposed to stay in my head, just like every other time. It was supposed to join the amassing pool of “I love you”�s that had claimed the better portion of my brain as their own. But something had gone wrong this time. Instead of just thinking it, my mouth had to open and actually say the bloody words. 

It was a prospect, I’ll admit, I’ve considered for quite some time now. Well, er, five years to be exact. Ever since November 16, all right? It was right after potions class. She’d dropped a book, and I, the blushing, awkward, hormone-possessed boy had rushed over to pick it up for her. She’d muttered a thanks, flashing that brilliant smile of hers at me, and I just blurted it out. 

You should’ve seen the look on her face. Priceless, when I think back on it. Of course, at that moment, I was scared shitless and hadn’t the mind to snap a photo or something. She’d stared open-mouthed for a moment before asking, slowly, “What did you just say?”� 

I nearly wet my pants right there. I had no idea how I was supposed to handle that kind of situation. Girls weren’t my forte quite yet. She was staring me down, though, and I had to say something. So, I blurted out “I, erm, love your cooking.”� 

It was a bloody brilliant save, if you ask me. She didn’t seem quite sure of how to answer, so she just gave me this adorable quizzical look that made me feel like the biggest idiot ever. Finally she narrowed her eyes and said quite confidently, “You’ve never tried my cooking.”� 

Oh, and here’s the best part. I’m still amazed that I came up with this. Greatest save ever. “Ah, but remember those Christmas cookies you baked last year?”� 

And that was the day that I realized my deep and never-ending love for Lily Evans. Yes, it’s true. I James Potter love Lily Evans. It’s true love, you hear? And, being the smart boy that I am, I had managed to keep my mouth shut. Until today. 

I’d satisfied myself by writing her name over scrap pieces of parchment, over my notes, on my snitch. I’ve put all of my pictures of her into a photo album just for her. It’s even green. Her favorite color. I’ve drawn hearts around our initials, carved our names into a part of every tree on Hogwarts campus (just incase she might decide to declare her undying love for me outside), and written her hundreds of love letters (all which are shamefully lying under a loose floorboard in my room back home). I watch her eat, sleep, take notes, do homework, yell at me, read, talk, everything. I love it when she smiles, though. Those are the times when my heart races uncontrollably and I begin to feel hot. My cheeks heat up, and I can feel the tips of my ears burning every time she smiles in my direction. And when she miles at me. Better yet, when she laughs. It’s heaven, I tell you. Everything stops and all I see are those gorgeous lips curved up because of me. 

I couldn’t count the number of times I’ve wanted to say those three words to her. Just say them. How badly I’ve wanted to get it off my chest. But I couldn’t. I ache every time she walks away from me. Every conversation that I don’t tell her what I feel is just another loss for me. I’m losing badly in this game of ours. The game I’m sure she didn’t even know existed. Until today. 

Love was supposed to be a good thing. It was supposed to be this thrilling, amazing feeling you got. Good butterflies in your stomach, good heartaches, good moments of desire. How come love wasn’t like that for me? It made me question my love once or twice. Love shouldn’t hurt. It shouldn’t make you feel like you’re nothing. It shouldn’t rip your heart apart again and again. It shouldn’t make you say things you don’t want to and make you do things you don’t want to. It shouldn’t make you think every morning when you get up about why you should get out of bed. You shouldn’t have to wonder at the purpose in going on with daily activities when the person you love hates you with all their soul. 

That couldn’t be love. But it is. It is, and I hated it with all my might. That’s right. I hate love. Detest it. Despise its very nature. Love is cruel and vindictive. A destroyer of hope, a shredder of faith. Love is the cause of all destruction in the world, for we only destroy in the name of that which we love. Without love, the world would be an altogether more peaceful place. 

An altogether place I would never want to live. For, as much as love has torn my heart apart, it’s given me far too much for me to truly wish it away. Love has always been that forbidden place. The place I’ve desired to go with all my being, but was never able to. Until today. 

As I’m not able to see myself, I can’t tell you what my eyes really look like. For all I know, they could just be a hazel, emotionless, brown. If they really are the windows to your soul, though, then I’m sure they’re completely filled with desire right now. Desire strong enough to make a man dizzy and faint. Desire strong enough to make you want to do the craziest of things. Desire that has always been controlled, restrained. Until today. 

I swallow hard, trying not to sway, trying to control the desire. The heat. The anguish. The love. Everything is far to bright, and the noises far too loud. Everything around me seems to have come to a complete standstill. I feel myself here but I’m unable to grasp anything that’s going on around me. Except for her, that is. 

She’s watching me intently with those big green eyes, her lips quivering. A strand of hair has fallen into her eyes, and I know it’s bothering her. I have to fight hard not to reach out and brush it away. I can feel it on my face, as if I were her. My fists are clenched at my side, my nails digging into my skin. 

This is taking far too long, and I don’t think I can handle it for much longer. I have such a great need to push her against the wall and ravish her like she’s never thought in her wildest of dreams. The thought’s highly attractive, but I somehow manage to restrain myself. I want her to say something. Speak, damn it. 

Her mouth is open slightly, her lips a light pink and full. I can’t stand watching her like this. She’s not saying anything, and every second is just ripping my heart further. It hurts so much. 

So incredibly much. I’ve felt pain before, but nothing like this. No, never like this. Until today. 

Today. The word echoed in my mind. It rang loudly, hurting my ears. So loud, that I almost didn’t hear her speak. 

Almost. Everything vanished as she spoke. The light was softer, the sound less loud, and the world altogether a lighter place. It was as if some shift had taken place. Some suffocating weight had suddenly been removed, and the world was a better place for it. 

My fists unclenched as I stood in slack-jawed amazement. Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined… 

“I love you, too.”� 

Until today. 


End file.
